Understandings

Understandings

An understanding is one idea you can repeat. We review these first, then choose the tools to practice. The repair, when there is one, is a tool.

• Relationship KillersJohn Gottman’s Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Name the one you are in, then use the antidote.

  Attribution

  John and Julie Gottman, the Four Horsemen.

  What it is

  Four moves that pull a relationship apart. Name the one you are in, then use the antidote.

  Horseman	What you see	The switch
  Criticism	“You always.” “You never.” An attack on who they are.	Gentle Start-Up
  Contempt	A sneer, sarcasm, an eye roll, a mocking name.	Build a Culture of Appreciation and Respect
  Defensiveness	“I did nothing,” or a hit back.	Take Responsibility
  Stonewalling	A blank face, silence, or quietly taking over their job, such as the groceries.	Physiological Self-Soothing

• Enduring VulnerabilitiesThomas Bradbury. John and Julie Gottman. The feeling today is bigger because it touched an older story. Tell that story, and your partner says it back.

  Attribution

  Thomas Bradbury. John and Julie Gottman.

  What it is

  What happened today may be small. The feeling is big because it touched something older. You might have felt left out, lonely, betrayed, judged, blamed, disrespected, or unsafe.

  How to do it

  1. Recount the event that triggered the Enduring Vulnerability.
  2. Name the trauma.
  3. Tell the older story.
  4. Connect the older story to the current one.
  5. The listening partner listens and then repeats the story back to the speaking partner.

  You may need to repeat this many times, each time you process some of the older trauma.

• ThirdsStan Tatkin. Anything outside the couple needs a shared plan.

  Attribution

  Stan Tatkin, Wired for Love. A third is anything outside the couple.

  What it is

  It might be work, the kids, friends, a drink, a phone, or a hobby. You decide together how it gets handled.

  How to do it

  1. Name the third.
  2. Ask with curiosity what the third does to the speaker.
  3. Discuss how it impacts the couple bubble.
  4. Make a plan and repair with your partner.

  If a partner can't speak into the way the third impacts the relationship, that needs to change. The couple bubble should work together to meet the needs of each member.

• Two Things Are TrueDr. Becky Kennedy, Good Inside. Both realities stay. Say them with “and.”

  Attribution

  Dr. Becky Kennedy, Good Inside.

  What it is

  Two true things can stand. Say them with “and.”

  How to do it

  1. Say the first truth.
  2. Say the second truth with “and.”
  3. Then work out the plan.

  “I want time with you, and I am all right that you want your friends tonight.”

  “I want that time apart, and I am still fully in love with you.”