Tools
Tools
A tool has a next sentence you can practice. In the work, we select these, practice them, and combine them into relational skill. Open one to see the attribution, what it is, and how to do it.
BidsJohn Gottman and Joan DeClaire, The Relationship Cure. Turn toward, turn away, or turn against. A warm no still turns toward.
Attribution
John Gottman and Joan DeClaire, The Relationship Cure.
What it is
A bid is any reach for connection: a question, a look, a comment, a touch, or a small favor.
How to do it
- Notice the reach.
- Turn toward it. Show interest, warmth, or give a real answer. A short reply is enough.
- Turning away ignores it. Turning against criticizes it.
“Thank you for asking. I can’t tonight. Can we do it tomorrow?”
Fondness and AdmirationJohn Gottman and Nan Silver. One specific appreciation, said out loud.
Attribution
John Gottman and Nan Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
What it is
One specific appreciation, said out loud.
How to do it
- Notice one thing they did, or one thing you still respect.
- Say it in the moment. Name the act, not “you are the best.”
- Say it on an ordinary day, not only after a repair.
“Thank you for sitting with her when she was upset. You stayed.”
Connection RitualsJohn Gottman and Nan Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. A repeated way of turning toward each other: leaving, coming home, or bed.
Attribution
John Gottman and Nan Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. A ritual of connection is a repeated way of turning toward each other.
What it is
A small routine you both know. Leaving, coming home, a meal, or bed. The same moment, on purpose.
How to do it
- Pick one moment you already have.
- Each person says what would help them feel connected there.
- Agree on one action. A kiss, two minutes about the day, or one thing you appreciate.
- Keep it short enough for a hard day.
- If you miss it, say so, and do the next one.
Soft Startup and the Talking WheelAsk to sit together, then Janet Hurley’s wheel: what you saw, what you made up, what you felt, what you need.
Attribution
John and Julie Gottman’s gentle start-up. Janet Hurley’s Feedback Wheel.
What it is
A way to bring up one hard moment. You start with a bid to sit together. Then four lines.
How to do it
- Ask for a walk, or ice cream. Name almost none of the topic yet.
- Say what you saw or heard.
- Say, “And about that, I made up…”
- Say what you felt about what you made up.
- Ask for one thing. “Would you say hello when you come in, even if you are upset?”
The picture is a slammed door and two hours upstairs.
Accept InfluenceJohn Gottman. Find the part of their view you can say yes to.
Attribution
John Gottman.
What it is
You find the part of their view you can say yes to, and you say that yes out loud.
How to do it
- Let them finish.
- Find one piece that is true, or that you can live with.
- Say the yes before you name what still differs.
“You’re right that I have been on my phone at dinner. I’ll leave it in the other room. I still want ten minutes after to unwind.”
AttuneJohn and Julie Gottman, A Man's Guide to Women. Attend, turn toward, understand, listen without a defense, empathize.
Attribution
John and Julie Gottman, Douglas Abrams, and Rachel Carlton Abrams, A Man's Guide to Women.
What it is
Five moves, in order. This is how trust gets built in the moment.
How to do it
Move What you do Attend Give your full attention. Put the phone down. Turn toward Face them, and look at them. Understand Ask questions. Do not fix it. Non-defensive listening Do not minimize, explain it away, or hit back. Empathize Feel it with them. “That sounds heavy.” They come home quiet. Put the phone down and face them. “You seem worn out. Want to tell me about the day?” Let them finish. Skip the fix, and skip the story of your own day, until they feel met.
Closed-Loop CommunicationAnatol Rapoport. John and Julie Gottman. Restate the highlights before anyone advises or persuades.
Attribution
Anatol Rapoport. John and Julie Gottman.
What it is
The listener says it back. Advice and persuasion wait.
How to do it
- One person talks.
- The other restates only the highlights.
- The speaker adds what was missed. The listener says that back.
- If the day was hard, one line of empathy. “That sounds like a hard day.”
In a fight, do the same with each person’s side. When they feel understood, switch.
GridlockJohn Gottman and Nan Silver. Repeat the dream back, and ask what is underpinning it. The goal is a better understanding, so you can compromise on the peripheral areas.
Attribution
John Gottman and Nan Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
What it is
A fight you have had before. The dream is underneath it. You get there by repeating what you hear and asking what is underpinning it. The goal is a better understanding. That understanding is what lets you compromise on the peripheral areas.
How to do it
- Name the fight in one sentence. Leave the fix for later.
- One person talks about their side of it.
- The partner repeats that back.
- Ask, “What is underpinning that?” When they answer, repeat the new piece back. Ask again what is underpinning it.
- Stay with this until the dream under the fight is clear. Repeat that dream back.
- Switch. The other person talks. Repeat what you hear, ask what is underpinning it, and repeat the dream back.
- The goal is a better understanding of both dreams. That understanding is what lets you compromise on the peripheral areas.
Co-RegulationEd Tronick, Allan Schore, and Stan Tatkin. One cue through a few breaths, then a daily look when nothing is wrong.
Attribution
Ed Tronick, Allan Schore, and Stan Tatkin, Wired for Love.
What it is
You help your partner settle with one cue, and then you are done.
How to do it
- Face them.
- Pick one: a steady voice, a hand on the arm or shoulder, or eye contact.
- Stay with it through a few breaths.
- If you turn away, say when you will be back, then come back and offer one cue.
- Once a day, when nothing is wrong, look at each other long enough to see who is there. That look is eye contact.
Eye ContactStan Tatkin, Wired for Love. Love is up close. Look into each other's eyes.
Attribution
Stan Tatkin, Wired for Love.
What it is
Love is up close. You look into each other's eyes, and you can find each other again.
How to do it
- Get close. Face them. A look from across the room is not this.
- Look into their eyes. Keep your face soft. This is a welcome, not a stare.
- If you look away, come back.
- Stay long enough to see who is there.
You walk in and the day is still on you. Before you tell it, stop, get close, and look.
Secure DetachmentJohn Gottman’s bid, with a time set for coming back.
Attribution
John Gottman. Turn toward, even when the answer is no.
What it is
You need space, and you still face your partner. Both of you know when you reconnect.
How to do it
- Say the connection matters.
- Say the need. A pause in messages, an evening alone, leaving early.
- Name the time. When I wake. When I get to work. Tomorrow at 9.
A fade, a sudden “I can’t do this anymore,” or staying until you are resentful — say the time instead.
Listening BoundaryPia Mellody. Sort what you hear as true, not true, or questionable.
Attribution
Pia Mellody, Facing Codependence. True, not true, or not yet.
What it is
You decide what comes in.
How to do it
- Pause.
- True for you: let it in.
- Not true for you: it stays outside.
- Not sure: ask, then sort it.
Keep one true fact and leave the insult outside. Compliments get the same sort.
Balanced Self-InventoryAlcoholics Anonymous and Co-Dependents Anonymous, Step Four. When a spiral starts, write what is true about you, then two things that are true at once.
Attribution
Alcoholics Anonymous and Co-Dependents Anonymous, Step Four.
What it is
A page you write when anxiety, rumination, or blame starts. The lines are facts about you, today.
How to do it
- Say it. “I am in a spiral.” Anxious, avoidant, or blaming.
- Write what is true about you now. “I show up to work.” “I care about my kids.”
- When you feel steadier, write two truths.
“I am okay pursuing someone I like, and it is okay if they need space.”
Radical Self-CareAl-Anon and Co-Dependents Anonymous. A block of time in which you take care of no one else.
Attribution
Al-Anon, “Let It Begin with Me,” and Co-Dependents Anonymous. Self-care is not selfish. Caring is different from taking over.
What it is
A block of time that is yours. You take care of no one else.
How to do it
- Block a full day, or as many hours in a row as you can.
- Eat, walk, rest. During that block, no one else is yours to take care of.
- When it feels selfish, unnecessary, or too expensive, stay. After about an hour, you often settle.
- Put the next one on the calendar. Weekly, monthly, or quarterly. In a crisis, plan it on purpose.
Combining ToolsJanet Hurley’s Feedback Wheel, then a few bullets back and no questions yet.
Attribution
Janet Hurley’s Feedback Wheel, then a short closed-loop reply.
What it is
One person says what happened, in order. The other shows they heard it.
How to do it
Speaker, in one turn:
- What I saw or heard.
- What I made up.
- What I felt.
- What I need. A request is the ending.
Listener:
- Four bullets back. What happened, the story, the feeling, the wish.
- Stop. Let them correct one thing.
“The door slammed. You made up that I was angry. You felt afraid and lonely. You want me to come in differently.”